Tips on how to help you and your child cope with separation anxiety related to starting school are listed following the main story of this blog post.
Many parents have worries and anxieties surrounding their child's first day of kindergarten, especially if it's their first child. We were no different! Our school, like many others, had integrated entry for JK, so my son's first day of school was not until about 2 weeks into the start of the regular school year. For the first week of school for everyone else, I would occasionally hear stories about a JK student being reported missing because they were inadvertently put on the wrong school bus and were later found safe on a different route. I suppose these incidents could be "chalked up" (pun intended!) to simple administrative errors during the beginning of any academic year. But hearing these stories caused me to worry about how things were going to go when our child started. It did not help me feel any more comfortable or confident about my child's impending transition. (Or mine!)
For me in particular, I kept thinking of so many things that could go wrong, instead of so many things that could go right. I mean, how would my 4 year old know how to find his classroom once he was inside the school? (Yes, I did know that he had a great memory, unless it involved him remembering to pick up after himself!) How did I know that he would be put on the correct bus for the return home? How would I know that he wasn't bawling on his way to school, feeling scared or nervous? How would I know that he wouldn't get confused or disoriented and get himself lost? And if that happened, no one would even know who he was given that he was brand-stinking new to the school! These are all common thoughts that go through the average parent's mind when their little one is about to embark on this journey called school. And I knew that. But I felt the way I felt.
I expressed to my husband that I wanted to follow him to school behind the bus without my son knowing, so that I could make sure that he was OK and actually got to the school. My husband thought I was being ridiculous. In fact, my husband told me that everything would be fine and was planning on heading into work right after seeing our son off on the bus. I didn't care that I probably was in fact being ridiculous! I was feeling anxious about how he would be. He had been home with me for most of his young life, how would he do on his own?! So I decided to I was going to follow the bus to the school, whether the driver thought she was being tailed or not. And whether or not it was indeed ridiculous. I just needed to do it for my son. (And by my son, I ultimately mean me! LOL.)
So we all showed up at the bus stop and he surprisingly eagerly boarded the bus, no hesitation at all! No tears, nothing! Just got on that bus like it was no big deal and grabbed a seat. As we waved at him driving off, my husband and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes. Our little one was growing up!
I jumped in my car and followed the bus from a distance, like I was Special Agent Oso. I tailed that bus all the way (not that far! LOL) to the school. Fortunately, the bus was in a huge line up of other buses, which gave me enough time to park the car down the street a bit so he didn't see it, just in case it would cause him to be upset. And then I proceeded into the treed area to the side of the school where the kids disembark.
Now, not only did I want to make sure the he was OK, I also wanted to take pics! I mean it was his first day after all! Like many a modern parent, I whipped out my trusty iPhone, hid behind a tree, and got ready to start snapping shots like I was the local paparazzi. I felt a bit like I was on a safari, observing wild animals in their natural habitat. All I needed was a safari hat! And let's be fair - kids often do behave like wild animals or little cavemen, so the truth isn't getting stretched that far! LOL
At this time, while in the trees, who do I get a text from? My husband! You know, the one who said everything would be fine and that he was on his way to work? Well he too was suffering from his own brand of worry and nervousness. So don't discount what your spouse or the father of your child may be going through too. It affects all of us, even if it is in the smallest of ways. The hubby tells me that he's currently in the school parking lot. I told him to get his butt out of there as our son might see him there and bust us, but being the laid back guy that he is, told me not to worry. That there was no way that he would be seen by our son given all the cars in the full parking lot. Sure, sure!
As the bus pulled up to the right spot and started letting the kids off, I eagerly and nervously awaited for my son to come down those steps. He came alright, smiling and chatting up the bus monitor. I took quite a few pics of him through the trees as he followed other kids into the school, just like that! What a relief! He made it, and made it in a good mood! Or at least he seemed to be holding it together well!
I started to walk out of the wooded area towards my husband who I could see now that the bus had departed. He was pretending to hold binoculars while looking at me and I snapped a shot of him doing so. I was feeling light hearted and so relieved. That is, until the bus monitor approached me and asked me why I was taking pictures, and why I had been hiding behind a tree. I told her what I had been doing and she advised me that the principal wanted to see me right away to present myself to the office. Oh F@$%! Talk about flashbacks to my own time in school! (OK, I didn't get sent to the principal's office in school - much! LOL) With the natural fight or flight response kicking in, I considered high tailing it out of there, but then thought having the cops pursuing me as a suspicious female wasn't going to make things any better. (I didn't really think that, it just makes for funny reading! LOL). So I marched my way into the office, where I was met with the principal.
After being interrogated (OK, questioned!) by the principal regarding what I had been doing, what my intentions were, who my child was, and if I had taken any pictures of any other students getting off of the bus (I hadn't for the record!), she let her guard down and laughed. And so did I. (More out of nervousness initially, I'm pretty sure. LOL) Who would have thought that I would get busted by the principal? If anything, I thought my son would have spotted me and realized what I was up to. But you know what? I'm glad I got hauled in there and questioned, because it showed me and reminded me that they really do have our kids' best interests at heart and are in fact paying attention what's going on both inside and outside the premise.
Once I went back out to speak to my hubby, (who was now laughing his behind off at me for getting busted!) he told me that when the bus pulled in the parking lot, that my son actually saw him and had been waving at him! (See? Momma really does know best... most of the time anyways! LOL)
After I finished speaking to my hubby, I went back to my car and sat there for a few minutes. It was sinking in! My child wasn't my baby anymore! Now, I didn't bawl my own eyes out, but in truth, I did feel emotional. I was realizing that he was getting older and growing more independent and requiring less of me, even if it was only a little bit. I have a young son too and I'm not sure how I will feel the day that he has his own first day of school. With them both being in school full time in a couple of years, it will leave me with an adjustment of my own. Of being alone while they are being educated. Some days I yearn and can't wait for that day, especially when things are chaotic, I am exhausted, or the kids are driving me nuts. (Or all of the above! LOL). It'll be interesting to see when the time comes for my last child to start school. I have no idea how I will feel and react to that. What I won't be doing though, is hiding in the bushes! (OK, maybe I will, I can't make any promises! LOL)
Whether we did a good job preparing him, we simply got lucky, or it was just my child's temperament that allowed for a smooth transition to school, we were so grateful that it went well! Will we be so lucky with the next one? I can't really say. It might very well be completely different.
And if it is for me or for you, here are some tips to help you and your child cope with starting JK:
1) Know that you are not alone. During this transition period, many parents feel nervous, fearful, emotional, anxious, sentimental, etc...
2) While I am not recommending what I did at all, do what you need to do to make sure you know your child is safe and doing OK, as long as it doesn't break the law or result in you or anyone else getting hurt or putting someone in danger. And hopefully it's something that doesn't embarrass you too much! LOL
3) Reach out to friends, and other parents online or in person who may be going through the same thing you are. They can often times offer emotional support and encouragement.
4) Remember that it's not just the child and the mother that can have an emotional struggle. But that Dads can too, even if they act tough and stoic by nature. Talk about it with each other.
5) Try not to show how nervous or emotional you are feeling with your child, as it could rub off on them. If you present as confident & optimistic, they will most likely feel that there is nothing for them worry about and/or be less anxious than if they are getting those anxious vibes from you.
6) If you are walking them to their classroom or to the front of the school, make your drop off brief. Don't prolong it longer than necessary. Give them a big hug and kiss, a couple words of encouragement and be on your way.
7) Explain to them step by step how everything will likely work on his/her first day. Call the school in advance if you need to, in order to get accurate information.
8) Role play with them as to how they might integrate themselves into a group of their peers who are playing together, or how they can invite another student in their class to play with them.
9) Take advantage of integrated entry, if you school offers it, so that they have a chance to warm up for the 1st big day.
10) If your school has an outdoor playground there, see if you can take him/her to play there before the school year begins so that they are already partially familiar with the surroundings of the school.
11) Have them get involved in the purchasing/choosing of their school bag and lunch bag. Don't let them use it until their first day, so they are excited and eager to use it.
12) If your child is typically anxious, call the school within the last couple of weeks before school begins to see if they can arrange for some extra meetings with his/her teacher so they can become more comfortable with their teacher and their classroom.
13) Plan a special treat for them for when he/she gets home from their first day. Better yet, let them choose what it is! Within reason of course.
14) If your child cries when you leave, don't assume that it means they are upset that you are leaving them. It might well be that, but it could also mean other things, such as that they are simply nervous about what lies ahead and are not yet confident to handle it first thing that day. They might very well feel more confident as the day goes on. Your optimism (fake it 'til you make if you are bordering on tears yourself! LOL) will go a long way to encourage them to be brave and confident, even if they are a bit nervous or unsure of it all.
15) Be sure to be at the bus stop or school on time to pick them up. The last thing you want to do is be late early on (or ever!), and have your child think, even for a second, that you forgot them. This could solidify or begin fears and anxiety in them.
16) If they will be travelling by school bus, call your school bus company a few weeks before school starts to see if they have any practice sessions for those beginning JK. We did this and they took us for an actual school bus ride, after going over safety rules and showing the little ones everything about the outside and inside of the bus.
17) Take a picture (or a gazillion!) of your child on their first day. This way, just in case anything were to go wrong, you have a picture of what exactly they look like and what exactly they were wearing that day.
And last but definitely NOT least:
18) If you are finding yourself anxious, worried, nervous, and/or emotional with your child transitioning, it should settle a few days after they have started school. If you or your child's anxiety doesn't subside after a few days or a few weeks, or if it's getting progressively worse, seek some professional help. This will help you or your child get through this time of change. You can call your school or speak with your child's teacher to access resources to help with the adjustment.
Have a great school year everyone, and thanks for following InfoMommy!
***** These views are mine, and mine alone. As with anything, you are responsible for assessing whether this item and/or activity is safe and suitable for your specific needs. InfoMommy does not make any warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, and assumes no responsibility and/or liability for any actions taken as a result of this blog post.*****
