Problems in The Bedroom? Sara Dimerman Is Here to Help!

   

Psychologist Sara Dimerman is back with a brand new book aimed at helping couples solve intimacy issues, and is a very informative and interesting read. Why Married Couples Don't Have Sex (At Least Not With Each Other) comes out February 24th, 2015 and is a must read for anyone experiencing any difficulty in the bedroom. She uncovers and explains underlying issues in relationships that contribute to the problem and aims to get couples back on track.

Here is a Q&A with the author:

1) What prompted you to write this book?  

As I write about at the beginning of the book, my epiphany came about when facilitating a discussion for moms and babes at a salsa moms dancing class. I had been invited to talk about Life After Baby and the discussion kept leading back to how their sex lives had changed since the birth of their child. This, in combination with what I had heard in my practice for almost 25 years, inspired me to write this book.

2) What percentage of couples would you say have sexual intimacy issues?

Research indicates that its at least a third of all couples that experience issues with sexual intimacy but my experience, along with anecdotal stories, leads me to believe that it's higher than that. I'd peg it at about 40 percent of married couples are in a chronic state of concern around sexual intimacy but that this percentage is even higher when you consider that all couples experience periods of sexual drought during their relationship - as a result of many different factors.

3) What is the best way for someone to begin a dialogue with their spouse or partner if they are not happy with the current state of their sex life? 

Reading excerpts to one another from my book would be a good springboard into discussion, especially if you choose segments that are more relatable. Sometimes, the discussion is best suited for a therapist's office because this time has been set aside for discussion and there are no other distractions. If a couple can, scheduling an away from home date to discuss concerns is a good beginning. It's best not to bring the concerns up during a heated argument or at a time when you can't see the conversation through.

4) What is the #1 tip that you can give to assist couples in improving their sex life and intimacy? 

I think too many spouses are unaware or have false opinions as to why their sex life or intimacy has diminished. Sometimes this is as a result of excuses that have been used to hide real reasons for the distance that has developed over time. Sometimes a partner will fabricate reasons in his or own head. Regardless, opening up dialogue so that each can understand where the other is truly coming from and then, acknowledging your partners concern and being genuinely motivated to help each other feel better and work towards change as a couple, is key. 

5) Parents are so busy these days. For those that don't have the time to read the whole book, which chapter do you consider to be the most important?

That's a hard question because I think that each reader, parent or not, will relate to certain parts of the book more than others. I'd rather suggest that the reader either skim through the book and focus on sections that are most relevant to him or her or that he or she take time to read it from cover to cover - even if it takes time.

6) While weight & body issues are the #1 reason for women to avoid sex, what is the #1 reason that men do this? 

I think that there are 2 high up on the list of reasons why men avoid sex: the first is related to a change in being able to perform as he once did - resulting in anxiety about performing which often becomes a vicious circle and inhibits his even wanting to try. The other is related to feeling rejected so often that he either gives up (with his spouse anyway) or gives her a dose of her own medicine if or when she does initiate intimacy. 

7) What can people do to remove or reduce the stigma associated with seeking help with regards to sexual intimacy issues? 

Actually, I think that the stigma is greatly reduced already. Talking about sex - good and bad - is often the subject at social gatherings, for example. In addition, sex consumer shows have helped to put sex and looking for ways to spice up one's sexual relationship, into mainstream society. A continuation of being exposed to sex and what works through books such as mine and even educational sex shows on TV, for example, helps to reduce any remaining stigma and allows people to grow increasingly comfortable in wanting to learn more and to get help when things aren't great.

8) Is it always necessary to seek professional help if a couple is experiencing issues in the bedroom? If so, what type of counselling should they be looking for? 

It's not absolutely necessary if they can work things out on their own or with the guidance of books and educational videos or TV shows. Also, there are many classes offered on enhancing intimacy at many sex shops. If they do decide to go the counselling route, looking for a registered therapist who has experience working with couples - especially around intimacy or sexual issues, is advisable.

Sara Dimerman provides counselling to individuals, couples and families, and is the Director of the Parent Education and Resource Centre in Thornhill, Ontario. She is a speaker on issues related to parenting and relationships and is the author of  3 other titles. She also contributes to many publications and websites around the world. For more information on Sara Dimerman, please visit her website HelpMeSara.com.

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